Saturday, July 2, 2016

Proud

Writing on this blog has seemed so daunting to me, yet at the same time it's constantly on my mind. I have lots to share, and I guess I'm just not sure where to begin. It's going to be a tangled mess I think, but I'm okay with that.

I was thinking this weekend was going to be emotionally draining on me. And in some ways it has, but not the way I imagined it being in my head. A year ago today my life changed drastically. I came home from work to a much emptier house than how I left it. I was suddenly head of household, main protector, the only income, and feeling defeated. I put Mack to bed that night and I cried. I cried so hard I was physically ill. Parts of me felt empty, but at the same time I felt more whole. I can't explain this, and I certainly don't expect anyone to understand. I think sometimes I feel things I can't comprehend myself. A year later and I expected myself to feel down in the dumps. 

But, today as I've reflected on the last year of my life I've been filled with pride. I've had an emotional and physical roller-coaster and I'm totally exhausted. I had felt so sick all Summer, Fall & most of Winter. I had a battle with cervical cancer, all while working full time and having new duties at work, going through the divorce process, being homemaker, taking on a second job to pay bills, and making being a good mom my number one priority. I don't know how I've done it, but The Lord has been good to me. So have my family and friends, and occasionally complete strangers who have seen my tired face and have offered to help me. More on how my faith in humanity has been restored, later. 

Today I woke up proud of myself. I am a good mom, and it's my favorite duty. I have a relationship with my son that is undeniably genuine love. I've made ends meet. I've excelled at work although it's a daily struggle. All of it is. But I've really found out what I'm made of in the mean time. 

Tonight I watched fireworks and my emotions were exploding. 

This is my weekend.

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